Fuck your logic and fuck your bullshit I make you happy and you make me happy you should fucking fight for this.
You know what sucks? Not fighting for something you believe in. You know what else sucks? Not believing in something enough to fight for it.
I think that makes me the saddest. I think I'm dumb because I let myself get excited about something that clearly had no future and then I was all surprised that it had no fucking future. I feel stupid. I'm sad.
Am I happy? Somewhat. What can I do to be happier? I'm not sure. My insideparts are saying to step back from the internet relationship until he comes online and then they flip out and bounce around and start telling me to run to Utah and lick his face.
This is annoying. Having my hands tied from my normal spontaneity is obnoxious. I like doing somewhat rash things and kissing cute boys who like me and poppin' cherries and squeezin' butts.
Oh, by the way. He said he'd never let me watch him pee. My ass. He'll do it.
WE ARE "IN A RELATIONSHIP" ON FACEBOOK
I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT
Rather, I do know how I feel about that, it's just a bit conflicted. I don't feel like I'm really in a relationship with a gentleman unless I can watch him pee. There's something about watching a guy pee that tickles me. It doesn't arouse me, but it tickles me. And I want to see my boyfriend pee. Maybe it's because he's touching his penis, but it's not erect and and it's tiny and silly. Maybe it's because it'd be cool if I could stand and pee. WHATEVER. Even if my boyfriend said, "No, man, that's weird," I'd need to know that one day he might forget to lock the door and I could bust in and watch him do the deed.
Okay, honestly what I mean is that I want a boy I can touch. Can tickle. Can snuggle. Can bone. With some regularity. Internet boyfriends do not allow one this freedom.
But again, he's cute and nice and strong and good. And I like that he likes me. I like learning about his past (what he remembers of it) and his feelings on different things. I don't know. I want to be gentle with him. I mean, I'm not the most experienced relationshipper, but he's new to this. I DON'T KNOW I JUST WANT TO TOUCH HIM AR
I spend too much time thinking of his skin and his warmth and his smell. It's somewhat distracting
I feel a little on the fence about the relationship thing. I think I need to dial it back and be less invested. No need to get hung up on a guy you never see - just act like you're single (you know, minus the random hookups) with a really special sexyfriend you get to talk to every so often. Our schedules don't always match up, that doesn't mean I have to lose my shit and be lonely and sad and frustrated - I wasn't like that when I didn't have a boyfriend, so why should I be when the situation has only improved. No, I can't hug him, but I wasn't hugging anyone anyway. And now I have someone awesome who thinks about me and whom I can think about. Nothing wrong with that. Dial it back. Let it grow in its own way.
I don't feel great about my job right now. I love the hotel and its guests but I'm not doing my best and there's no reason I can't significantly increase my feeling of job satisfaction by just working a little harder for about two of the eight hours I'm there. There's no excuse for not doing bucket checks or restocking the suite shop. Tonight I will make a shift checklist for myself that will help prioritize my daily duties. Being professional and doing my job don't have to nudge out updating my facebook or cruising the boards - the work is generally relaxed enough to accomidate all these things comfortably. How often do I find myself F5-ing the boards feeling like there's nothing to do with plenty of front desk work to be done? How neat is it to know I did my job and no one can say anything bad about me. I'll be more than the cheerful girl who half-asses it. I'll be the girl who does great work and who's always smiling.
These moments of clarity and hope are increasingly common as I straighten my shit out. The one thing I think I have to just keep doing is checking in. How am I doing? How do I feel? Little course corrections will be what guide me to the life I want. I can feel it. Things are happening. All I need is to be present and to be patient.
I like him a lot. Being far away is bullshit, though. I want to take a long roadtrip with him.
I need to decide about this Navy thing. I'm so torn. The education and the benefits and the skills and the everything is so compelling, but ditching life for four years is a tough call. I mean...I don't know. 30 days of paid vacation a year is something, and I could do a miniature version of the massive van roadtrip while still enlisted, but the idea of getting out of the service when I'm, what, 29? Is scary. Then again, I haven't really done much in the way of life in the last SIX years, if you don't count relationships. I've got to get going, right? And if it's not towards some grand adventure because I lack funds, why not toward a way to make funds, followed by said adventure? Your 30's aren't, you know, the end. I think I have a hard time imagining myself having adventures past my 20's, but it might be the best way for me to go about it. Honestly, I have a hard time imagining myself period past my 20's. I still think I'm 17, maybe 19.
BUT I'M NOT. So how about a job that travels well? How about an opportunity to travel and learn things and get an education and work on my fitness and save money and read lots of books and come out the other side ready for adventure? I won't be a different person. I won't be suddenly willing to settle down because the first digit in my age rolled over. I'm the same person and I'll be awfully similar, even four or six years down the line. If I can get my spending straight - something I'm on the path to, and am feeling awesome about - I can save for fun times. And with some kind of skill, I can maybe make money as I go. Or not. I like the option.
Okay. I'm feeling good about this. The boy thing, well it will happen or it won't. We'll work or we won't. I hope we do. In the meantime, I'm so excited for the future.
So yeah, I went to the gym. I think I'm going to try putting some weight on the bar when I squat since I've heard people say they seem to do better with higher weight. I'll also start wearing some Converses I have as lifting shoes, then changing to running shoes for my cardio. I'm going to start my Fitness Log at SA today. Postin' my goals, Toxx, "before" pictures, and my story. Maybe I'll reevaluate my workout routine so it doesn't look like ass when I share it with the goons.
Yep. Not as productive day as I would have hoped, but when you work out and make money in one day, that's a step in the right direction. Oh, and I got to talk to Internet Boyfriend for an hour or so yesterday morning and a bit at night. As it generally is, it was delightful. He's so neat. He mentioned that I got him thinking about joing the OMG Navy. And while I go through the motions of looking into Navy jobs and losing weight, I'm thinking more and more about just accomplishing my fitness and financial goals, saving a little bit, and moving the fuck out. There are so many more amazing opportunities to get out there and travel and stuff while young. Why tie myself down for four to six years. Then again, the monetary/healthcare/education benefits, along with all those intangible benefits like discipline and such are pretty compelling. Stuff to think about.